Good day to all my fellow bacon trees!

Sorry I ain't updated in a bit... But I couldn't be bothered!



First off, I'd like to have a quick complain about this heat! I hate it! I'm constantly sweaty, can't get comfortable and can't sleep!

And with the arrival of summer/global warming, brings tons of wasps and flies. Which makes me wonder... They spend ages bouncing off the window in a vain attempt to escape, changing direction whenever they stray close to the actual opening... How long did it take them to get inside in the first place? And what did they hope to achieve by it?



********



!THINGS I NOTICE WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

In Sci-Fi (Star Trek, etc); everytime ships meet, anywhere in space, They're always the same way up!. Surely they'd fly around space at all angles, not just one designated angle!




??ASK Dr.BEEFY??

Dear Dr.Beefy
I recently discovered a lump on my face...

Dr.Beefy replies
It's your fooking nose!
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!




**qUeRy CoRnEr**

Q. Where do pigs come from?

A. SPACE!


(I need more involved queries next time, porklings! Think of more useful stuff!... Also, feel free to ask Dr.Beefy about anything that's troubling you!)




/Interweb Favorites\

http://www.sexybrown.net

Quite possibly the scariest arse I've ever seen! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME! RUN AWAY!





CRAPPITY JOKE

Right! Since I've received absolutly no jokes from any of you/Can't be bothered to think of any... I'm offering a prize! The best/worst joke shall be included on this illustrious 'pulbication'. And shall win a *mystery prize* (oo sparkly!)



Well, that's all for this time my trottered friends!


Night night. Sleep tight. Don't let Barry Scott SHOUT AT YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP!

Good evening Swine-people!

I know I haven't updated in a while, but nowt interesting happened of late. Until today...

I was strolling around the supermarket this afternoon, when an old biddy hobbled by me... Spraying out the loudest, wettest farts with each step! I experienced the strangest mixture of horror and entertainment, although, I found the fact that no one else seemed to care or notice unbelievable. As for the old biddy... she just carried on farting until she reached the alcohol section.


In other, less disgusting news. I am currently wishing my computer would behave for once. It's slow, It crashes all the time and all on top of the usual internet crap. I have the crappiest pop up blocker...which lets adverts through, but stops me opening links in seperate pages.
People who think computers and machines will one day rebel and rule over us...Think again! Terminator would not be such a scary thought if it were built by Microsoft! Programs performing illegal actions would surely save us all!


********


!THINGS I NOTICE WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

How come, that even though you live alone and there's no one else in the house, you close the bathroom door when you go in?



??ASK Dr.BEEFY!??

Dear Dr.Beefy
Will the devil rise with it being 6.6.06?


Dr.Beefy replies
Don't be so stupid! He made no appearance on 6.6.1906, why should he now? If he showed himself now, not only would it be a horrendous cliche, but no one would be surprised! MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


**qUeRy CoRnEr**

If I mix ketchup and brown sauce in a condom, then fire it into the sun. What whould happen?


The sun would explode, unleashing a rain of pork scratchings upon a dying world! Alternatively, nothing! Gimme some decent questions next time people!!


/Interweb Favorites\

http://www.pinkeyesluts.com

For those with sexual tastes which fit into the category of 'What?'!!



CRAPPITY JOKE

What's green and stinks of pork?


Kermit's knob!



That'll be all for now piglings!

Night night. Sleep Tight. Don't let Hasselhoff bite

Good day pig-folk!

Haven't posted for longer than normal thanks to a new addiction which has melted my brain. Found SmackDown Vs RAW for 4 quid a couple of weeks ago...and after owning it 3 days managed to clock up 36 hours on it!! There's only been a couple of days where I have not indulged in beating the crap out of Scotty 2 Hotty...That smug twat! The game has (as aformentioned) melted my brain! I forgot plans for whole days, my PIN number, how to type and many more things! A tad worried!

In other news, does anyone watch children's TV? No? Just me? Ok then. Well, there are a couple of things you MUST watch!
1. Pocoyo - A wierd child who seems to live in the matrix loading program; with a duck, a pink elephant, a dog and a bird who's never awake! Another great point, they have an all terrain vehicle(honestly, it can fly!) called the VAMOOSH!
2. The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers - Words cannot explain...Just watch!

********

My beloved Kitty woke me up the other morning with a punch to the end of my nose! No claws...She just hit me!


!THINGS I NOTICE WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

Scart leads...Possibly the most difficult thing on the planet! You spend ages hunched around the TV trying to find the socket, not able to see since you don't want to pull the telly out too far!


??ASK Dr.BEEFY!??

Dear Dr.Beefy,
Why do my legs go numb when I pee?

Dr.Beefy Answers:
You probably don't drink enough liquids! Since the numbness is probably caused by you straining too hard when marking your territory/peeing in a neighbour's letter box. Drink more fluids, lest you end up losing consciousness! MOOOOOOO!

Send your problems to Dr.Beefy and we'll have a laugh at.....I mean...help to solve it!


**qUeRy CoRnEr**
Who is the world's tallest midget?

Jeremy Clarkson!


/Interweb Favorites\

http://www.sexymisslizz.com/queenoffarts

ALL THE FUN OF THE FAIR! If your idea of a fair is gas!
The most I've laughed in ages!!




That's right piggies, a joke section! Tell me the crappiest jokes you've heard so I can share them with the world!

Only got 1 to start you off!

.What goes down the washing line at 90 mph?

HONDA PANTS!!


Well, that's all for this time my piggy kindred!

Night night. Sleep tight. Don't let Sipowitz bite!

Hey Piggies.


A couple of things have come to my attention these past few days...Like, is Orville really a duck? He looks more like a green penguin to me. And, how come all old people on the bus know each other? They know each other, they say hello and ask how 'Our Eddie' is doing (To which the response is usually "He's dead!")....Yet they never sit next to each other! Strange old biddies!
Also a point about old folk...How come each grandparent was the first to own a TV on their street?

In other news, I've been thinking about old TV shows...Captain Planet in particular. Each of the planeteers had control over an 'element' (Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Heart) wouldn't it be great if they used the actual elements! 109 planeteers! IRON "I control all ferrous metals!", NICKEL! "I cause allergic reactions in some people!", FLUORINE! "React me with oxygen, and I make teeth whiter!" and MEITNERIUM! "I have no use, since I am created in a lab and am not a naturally produced element!". Great fun!

But now about me. I'm a big poker fan (Some may know), and I had my first ever royal flush the other day!! Keep in mind that a royal flush is a once in a lifetime thing...And mine was on a game on my mobile! So, never in a real game will I experience it again!

********

My beloved Kitty has conquered her fear of falling off the spare mattress, and sleeps there most nights. Although, she has yet to master balance...Yes piggies, she fell off again!


*note* I've just spilled beer all over myself!

!THINGS I NOTICE WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

Knight Rider...Named so, because the main character was Michael Knight. Good thing he had a cool name, and not something mundane; like Collins or Smith...Also a good thing he wasn't called Michael Johnson!!

??ASK Dr.BEEFY!??

Dear Dr.Beefy,
My Girlfriend cheated on me. I really love her, but can't forgive her...What do I do?

Dr.Beefy says: Get even! Fuck her sister or mother! MOOOOOO!


**qUeRy CoRnEr**
"Why does my ring sting?"

Answer: Chillies and Buttplugs! (Need more involved questions next time folks!)

/Interweb Favorites\

www.nippletraining.com

The most fun you can have with nipples!



That's all for now my little piglets!

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let Dr.Beefy bite.

Good day piggies!

Yes, The Queen has just turned 80. So I wish her a happy birthday, it may be her last! (What? Of course she reads this!)
My only problem is I know she's going to live another 70 years or so. 'Cos no matter how much damage her body takes, she'll be guaranteed the front of the queue at the nations top private hospital! At the taxpayers expence of course! My idea, let her die and let someone who's been on an NHS list for 17 years get the next treatment!

In other news, I have no cash and have just eaten the last potato! Now I need to work out my survival for the next week! Maybe medical testing!


********

You may remember me mentioning the spare mattress stood against the wall in my bedroom last time. Well, my beloved kitty fell off this morning. Right from the top. She just kinda lost balance and plummeted floorwards! She lay on the bed all day instead of risking it again. No doubt she'll be back there tonight...She's adventurous that way!

!THINGS I NOTICE WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

The people who work at Cbeebies must constantly be off their nuggets on who knows what hallucinagents. How else could you explain 'Big Cook Little Cook'?
Also, I'd like to know what they mean when their song refers to "Envelope Surprise". Are they teaching young kids about letter bombs...or anthrax maybe?!
And next time you watch 'Big Cook Little Cook', put yourself in the mindframe that they can't stand each other and everything said is a cheap dig! Easy, cheap, and entertaining!

**qUeRy CoRnEr**
Why do more men go bald than women?

Answer: This is down to testosterone!!(spelling? who needs it?) Simple fact is, a higher presence of said hormone sends you bald. This is why the bald women have facial hair! So, baldness is actually a sign of manliness! (natural baldness...not shaven by the way!)

/Interweb Favorites\

www.bootyvote.com

Yes my little piglets! I have indeed found the saddest and most usless site in interweb-land! And as the site says;
"It is you daily duty, to vote for the best booty!"
Dont you just feel sorry for the poor fools?

****

The near future will see yet another addition to these pages of pure rant! Get sending your personal problems to our resident agony uncle 'Dr.Beefy'! He is here to help!

That's all for now piggies!

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let Paxman bite.

Hey Piggehs!

I am starting to get scared...There's an old moose after me, who won't take no for an answer! I'm currently getting numerous texts and phone calls saying she wants to come over. She even knocked on my door a couple of times...Not sure how she knows where I live! Eek! In a few weeks I'll be living in my "Fortress" in the back of the cupboard!

On lighter news...I have beer. Woo!

********

My beloved kitty is loving the new warm weather. It's brought out all the moths and spiders...As many as she can eat!

!THINGS I NOTICE WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

While watching the new Dr Who, I noticed that the new Doctor is none other than....Moby in a wig!!


**qUeRy CoRnEr**

What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Answer: After questioning many chickens about this matter, I have concluded the answer is..."Bok bok!"

If you have a query for you'd like me to investigate, let me know and I'll see what I can discover!


/Interweb favorites\

http://www.bouff.tv

For the obvious reasons.

Hey piggies, long time no touchy!

Had a wonderful night out last night with the oh so loveable, huggable and extremely fuckable Carly. Was a great night until I realised I'd missed my last bus home...and had no taxi fundage! So, muggins here opts for the gentle stroll home. Three hours later I got to my front door!
I had decided that since they do it on all the Hollywood films, when stuck in the middle of nowhere they 'thumb a lift', Eventually worked, but only when I got past Cramlington. The guy who stopped happened to be the chef from the local Italian restaurant...So not only did I get a lift the last five minutes of my journey...I got free pizza and garlic bread! WOO! So not a completely wasted journey.

Although, My legs really aren't happy with me today!

********

My beloved Kitty has discovered that the spare mattress stood against the wall in my bedroom makes a most excellent climbing wall...She runs up and down the infernal thing most of the night, which is noisy and most annoying!

!THINGS I NOTICE WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

I wonder if Barry Scott (of 'Cillit Bang' fame) speaks like that all the time!

"HI I'M BARRY SCOTT, AND I WOULD LIKE A CUP OF TEA!"

MAkes you wonder how long ago his wife must have left!

'BANG! AND THE WIFE IS GONE!'

That's all for now piggies!

Night night. Sleep tight. Don't let Barry Scott bite.

Had a wierd dream last night... The first half involved the subject of alien abductions (cliched, I know). Not the actual abduction, but things surrounding them. Such as, the fact that it was some kind of experiment...Some wierd blokes called 'rangers', who had shiney powers; laser eyes for one...The mention of 'spider-men'...Aswell as the mention of "This isn't the work of the RAF!"...
The whole thing baffled me when I awoke...only to discover that 2 insects were burrowing out of my right nipple....Then I actually woke up...even more baffled than before!!

Not sure if I want to sleep tonight!

********


In other news, my beloved Kitty has found a new and exciting place to sleep...ontop of the bedroom door!!! Wonder if she'll stop when she falls off.


!THINGS I NOTICE, WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

The typical 'Old Drunk' in pubs is an enless supply of entertainment/sheer terror... Last nite, one such drunk was 1 minute dancin' away mindlessly flailin' his arms about... Next minute was gibberin' to my mate and myself...in some unknown language! Entertainin', until you realise he isn't leavin'!


That's all for this time piggies!


Night night. Sleep tight. Don't let Beadle bite!

Quick multiple choice question for ya!


Would you rather 'get busy with'...

a) Carol Vorderman?
b) The other chick on countdown, In dictionary corner?
c) Both of the above in a kinky countdown 3-some?



Have no idea why I'm askin'...Jus' a bit of fun...Sparked by a wierd dream I had last night; where Darth Vader was doing Carol's job!

I'm thinking of calling it "Carol Vaderman".


********

And oh yea...
On the topic of my beloved Kitty, I have woken up the past few mornings greeted by her sittin' a few inches away from my face...starin' at me...Wonder how long she sits there before I wake up.


!THINGS I NOTICE WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

Those kids who were quoting the McDonalds ad...just went past my window, doin' it again! The world is fucked!

Ah well, that's all from me piggies!


Night night. Sleep tight. Don't let Salty McJim bite!

Friends...Monkeys...Protozoa...lend me your....erm....pencils!


!Quick rant!

"Women make the safest drivers, could save a bunch of fivers..."
We all know that song from jauntilly singing along, while waiting for the car to swerve off a cliff and into the sea...no survivors!

My point is...yes, men have the tendancy 2 become drunk on horsepower when put behind an engine...however, we never include the risk of putting make up on while driving...God forbid you turn up to work with a naked face!!

Anyway, now that I've probably just offended every chick reading this... moving swiftly on!

********

I was walking past the local shop today, and was thrilled to see a group of the finest juvenile delinquets who will one day be the future of the country...and was blown away by their interest in current media! They were quoting a McDonalds advert...yes, the second most annoying thing on the telly...the one with the bloke doing all the football chants! The future looks bright for this country!

No news on my beloved Kitty...She's not doing anything exciting as of late.

!THINGS I NOTICE WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

Had the joy of helping my mother clean out a late old man's room in a nursing home today(she owns a cleaning company by the way...We weren't doing this for entertainment!. This is when I realised that I never want to be put in one of those places! The room and corridor stank of urine, the day room stank of tea and biscuits and the staff smelled of BO! Mmmmm, tasty!

Well, thats all for this time piggies!

Night night. Sleep tight. Don't let the brazilians bite!

HEEEEEY PEEEEEEEGEEHS!!!


I ain't typed owt in here in so long (surprised my account still works actually).
I'm truly happy these days, you'll be glad to hear! I'm meetin' plenty of chix, I'm piercin' (yes, that is work I know...But wotcha gonna do eh?), I'm bein' cast in a vampire film, and I'm eatin' more spicy food than any human should!

I surprised myself by livin' the past week on 25p...well done Stu! Luckily, I had food in the house. However I never had reason to venture outside...Cabin fever anyone?

Well, that's about it for now.

MKL

Night night. Sleep tight. Don't let the vampiric-moose-babies bite.

hey piggies,

Had a great idea for a new sex toy today! 2 words...'Dildo Yoyos'!!

Had a really boring day, spent the afternoon watching the simpsons and eating chips.

Otherwise my life is boring!

Kitty is just as crazy as ever. She's currently decided that it's fun to play with the curtains.......in the middle of the night! She wakes me up everytime!!

Oh well, that's all for now!

Night night! Thank you, and I love you all!!

My emotions are crippling my ability to think! I have some saying that Louise is never coming back (and besides would I even take her back?), and others reminding me how much I still love her and miss her!! AHHH!! I need to fall out of love with her, before it sends me goofy!!

On a lighter note, the friend thing seems to have been worked out!

Not much else happened, just been drunk alot lately!

I feel like I'm losing a close friend. He seems to have something against me and I can't work out why. He says that there's no shit, but too many things have been happining. Besides, this all started around the same time that Louise split up with me! There was alot of bullshit (which I won't go into.) and now I can't get my head straight!
I don't want to lose him as a mate, but I can't work out what's going on!

Ontop of that there's alot of crap going on with the band, which is stressing me even more!

just thought I'd write this down, get it off my chest!

Hey piggies!

Sorry I ain't updated in a looooooooooooooooong time! But there's been alot of shit happening as of late!
To cut a long story short, I am now free and single (lonely!)!

I'm now an uncle!

I've somehow been drafted into building my sister's conservatory!

My cash 'reserve' is dropping rapidly, along with my supply of edible food! Something has gone off in the fridge, and I'm afraid to find out what! It smell bad!!

Not much else happened, except my mam got a new puppy yesterday!!


Oh well, that's all 'til next time!

I had a humerous/spooky phone call at about 3am on wednesday!!
This is how it went:

Me- "Hello?"

Woman- "Hello, is that Ben?"

Me- "Sorry, you must have the wrong number!"

Woman- "Is he not there?"

Me- "No, this isn't his number."

Woman- "I met him last night, and this is the number he gave me!"

Me- "This isn't his number!"

Woman- "He was meant to be coming 'round tonight for a shag!"

Me- "THIS ISN'T HIS NUMBER!!!"

Woman- "Oh right. Do you fancy coming round for a shag?"

Me- "No thank you!"


Makes you think; anyone who is propositioning a wrong number for sex, must be very lonely and desperate!!


That's all for now piggies!!
Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the boogeyman bite.

god you dumbass.


What swear word are you?
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schizotypal


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Hey boys and girls,
I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!!! Me and Louise are.................ENGAGED!!!!!

I got pretty damn drunk last night (in celebration of course!!), and I had a MONSTER hangover this morning!! As it turns out, beans on toast is a perfect hangover cure!!!!!

Otherwise, not alot has been happening!! I got a new sofa ('tis uber-comfy!!!). I have also started looking at paint colours for my house!! Life is good!!


!THINGS I NOTICE, WHEN THEY DON'T USUALLY NOTICE ME!

Over the weekend, I was cursed by the weather!! The whole weekend had bursts of storm conditions!! The only time it rained, was when I was outside. And the only time it didn't rain, was when I was inside!!

That'll be all piggies!!

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the boogeyman bite.